WARNING! WARNING! long and opinionated post! only written at request of other members...none of this may help at all but…

Several of you asked for tips in working with these kids exhibiting behavioral difficulties. Here's a few posts, showing some things that worked for us. I sort of glued them together. Please know that (blatant opinion here! warning warning!) if you work out some of the anger and frustration now, they will be much happier teenagers. I watch many of the kids with the some characteristics like Kate's turn into really angry, aggressive and abusive teens....I personally think it's because they didn't learn to handle severe anger at an earlier age. I told you I was opinionated! That is all that is. But I really do believe it. Take it for what it's worth.

Okay a few things that worked for us....

1. Kate had lots of difficulty at the same age 6,7, 8 with decision making. I think it was the first time she actually realized that when you say "Yes" to something you are saying "No" to something else and thereby closing some doors. When I told her that most decisions only involved a short term outcome (phrased differently) she began to calm down. i.e. we would go to get yogurt, she would FINALLY say she wanted chocolate but as soon as she got it she was intensely angry and wanted vanilla(actually she would be angry as soon as I placed her order) When it finally occurred to me what was going on, I told her that this decisions was only for THIS time. I explained that we would be coming again and next time she could order vanilla. That this decision was only for one scoop of yogurt. Same thing for what she would wear to school and every other thing. The other thing we had to teach her was that she was a good decision maker. She would be afraid she had made the wrong decision. We helped her see what good decisions she had made in the past ("Remember how much you enjoyed the chocolate last time?") By assuring her she was good at making decisions. She could trust herself not to make a wrong one. I think the whole thing was a push-pull thing with power. "I do want control of some things in my life, but what if I do the wrong thing!" I spent much of time during the day pointing out casually when she had made a decision and how well it worked out. "Oh, you made the decision to watch that show! You enjoy it don,t you! Good choice!" She was totally unaware that her day was filled with choices. I didn't point out that by deciding to watch one show, she was missing another;-) no point in asking for trouble!

One major point here.... it's possible to have more than one right decision. Yes, both would be good ones. There is not always a "right" decision and a "wrong" one...so you know that whatever you decide with be Right...you can't miss. that was a big confidence builder.

2. Role play worked for Kate when she was having difficulty or afraid she couldn't handle something. We role play through those scenarios. You might try a short role play with "what if he asked you to do------- and you don't think you can? What do you do? Or what can you say? Practice the scenario with him saying the agreed upon sentence of "I don't know how" - or "Help me please"- or "Can you show me again?" or .......whatever. Then you play the part of the instructor. Show him the world doesn't end. When dealing with another teacher or instructor hopefully the instructor will be willing to do a short role play also. The instructor can see that sometimes Kate might be frustrated without words and that he/she (the instructor) will have to know when to be supportive and help Kate learn to express her anxiety "Let's practice our short play"

3. I remember some very difficult months til I figured this stuff out for myself, Kate had difficulty with lots of opposites. When we finally learned how to use sign language to ask the question it turned on a whole new world. I could ask her if she was too cold, verbally and she could say yes, so I would turn on the heater. Then she would say in a very frustrated voice, "I told you it was too cold!" what she meant was that she was too hot already. If I ask the same thing in sign language, the answer is accurate to what she means. Hot is hot and cold is cold. In is in and out is out. What a deal for us all! The tactile, visual part of her brain understands language much better than the hearing part of her brain. You might try simple sign for yes, no, hot, cold, whatever. You may not even have this part of the problem, but we did and it was all mixed up in the decision making problem - no wonder she was frustrated - she couldn't trust herself or us to get what she really meant. No wonder she was afraid of decisions - they turned out wrong too often.

4. Kate has been in social skills classes occasionally with great success. One time for appropriate response to anger. Very good results. They did lots of role play in lots of different settings. Led by a social worker with a group of about 6 kids as I remember.

5. I also found a book about social skills training and have used it myself with her over the years, lots of role play helps enormously, having other kids help too. I led her Brownie troop several years ago so I could do a lot of social skills training with them. Those kids came in a variety of flavors. Some of the things we did, Kate had no problems with so she had skills to help teach as well. Very successful year. I also have shared the book with Sunday School teachers and youth group directors for activity ideas.

6. Right now, Kate, her tutor and I are working together on communication skills. Once again using lots of role play.

7. Social skills book It is written for elementary age kids but we've been able to adapt it pretty easily as the years go by.

Social Skills Activities for Special Children

by Darlene Mannix Illustrated by Tim Mannix

it is a thick paper back book I bought it for $23.29 at an LDA conference

On the cover it says "Including 142 ready to use lessons with reproducible activity sheets to help children recognize and practice appropriate social skills both inside and outside the classroom."

publisher is The Center for Applied Research in Education, Professional Publishing West Nyack, New York 10995 1993

Simon & Schuster, A Paramount Communications Company

she has also written (according to the back cover):

Oral Language Activities for Special Children 1987, Be a Better Student: Lessons and Worksheets for Teaching Behavior Management in Grades 4-9 (1989)

Life Skills Activities for Special Children 1991 all published by The Center for Applied research in Education

p.s. was unable to find a telephone # anywhere in the book

8. We had great success the year Kate was 9 with behavioral modification. I think it was because we finally understood we had to be very specific in our expectations with Kate. Generalities are lost on her. It also gave her a way to repetitively (with our supervision) try things. She saw an instant reaction so she knew exactly if that was what we wanted or not.

Like most behavior modifications, rewards change periodically. Depends on the age of the child and what is important to them. I don't make her give rewards back, if she blows it, but just don't reinforce the wrong behaviors. Actually with the chart on the wall. I think if I were you I would use some small reward for each individual task and a larger one when the complete goal is accomplished. If he only puts on pants and

combs hair that's 2 whatevers, if he does everything on the chart to be ready for school on time, that is something for each task plus the large

bonus. They could earn the large bonus each day. We used nickels when Kate

was 9 because she needed to be working on money counting, so that was a good

way for her to practice and understand money and behavior. I'm not into

rewarding with food, and Kate needed something tangible. At first she

needed the reward immediately then we could count at the end and total.

We homeschool, so when I first took her out in the first grade, her first

project was to learn to get herself ready for the day independently. before

that I had been getting her ready myself because, if she did it by herself,

she was so frustrated by the time she got to school she was in shambles.

We learned also you can't expect everything you want for final goal, at the beginning. Accomplish one small task thoroughly, before adding another. If you lost the first skill give it a day or two, if first skill still lost, then we decided we were moving too fast and had to go back and work on first skill til it was easier, then could add the next task.

BIG POINT HERE!!!! when the kids say "NO" or "I don't want to!" Generally it means "I don't know how or I don't remember how." Kate would stick her thumb in her mouth and put her head on the desk. i say obstinence. I was wrong. What she felt and what she said were not the same. What she meant was that she was overwhelmed and didn't know how to successfully do the task. Many times I knew for sure that she did....but SHE didn't know it and that's the point. If the kid loses confidence, for whatever reason....they can't go on. Won't go on. My confidence in her helps very little. It must be generated by Kate! So I'd go way back to the first step and have her do just that. Then next step. then I'd stop before we got to the more difficult ones...talk about how far she had come before proceeding onward. then when we got to the shut down place, I'd tell her we would do it together. and sometimes she didn't want me!!!! to help, that's when I knew the confidence was back and exactly at what level.

Remember here that if you tell the kid they are lazy or inconsiderate, or just not trying, etc. they will rise eventually to your expectation and become just those things. As you reteach the task in the way you want it done, tell him it's not that he is dumb,,, just that each task needs to be demonstrated before you can go on. Basically I reward for the behaviors I want and

ignore those not accomplished yet or those she doesn't get done. Gradually

he'll probably want to do them all himself.

9 .I'm also big into cause effect discipline. If this and that are done by

this time then,____will happen, otherwise you will miss it. That way they

are making that choice themselves. This way, you find out if time concepts

are your problems, if staying on task is your problem, or if they see the

tasks as unimportant. In teaching them about the task again, they may begin

to see again, or for the first time, why the task is necessary.

10. A sermon to parents: WARNING!!!

I found that some years are just really hard, but it has been my

> experience that as Kate has gotten older our life has gotten easier. I also

> have made a very concerted effort to do three things:

>

> A. Look for fun. Make sure you schedule it. Make it a priority to do some

> silly, just fun stuff. Include your family whenever possible. Don't

> include your family whenever possible. I started a support group of

> families with children in all different flavors. The other members do

> advocacy type projects and I help when I can, but my focus is to think up

> the Halloween parties, Christmas plays, midnight trips to the zoo. Fun

> because no one has the pressure of "what if". We know the other families

> not only know your kid but will not be thrown by unusual behaviors. Great

> way to relax!

>

> B. Remember that your young child is part of your life, but not your WHOLE

> life! Remember that your needs and those of other family members are as

> important, if perhaps not a critical, as those of your child. Look up old

> friends that knew you BK (before kids)they can help you remember other areas

> of your life.

>

> C. Make a conscious effort to spend time with your own support system.

> Identify who makes you feel good and then make sure you have regular contact

> with them in times of stress.

>

> The times I feel the most depressed is when my life gets lop-sided all

> focused on one area. Wish I could help by babysitting for you but I guess I

> can't. I can suggest that you buy a package of Oreos and go hide in the

> closet til you finish the package. Tell the kids you have to count your

> shoes! When I tell my kids that kind of thing now they just roll their

> eyes. They've finally become accustomed to Mom being a little weird!

10. Give examples of appropriate and inappropriate ways to vent anger. In our house, Kate can go to her room and cry and cry, she can play the piano loudly, she can hit and throw pillows...in her room. AND what she finally knows works the best....she can TALK about it! She finally sees that that is really the only thing that helps. She is free to say "I hate it when ....." She needs the freedom to express anger in a verbal way...but without trying to be venomous to the other person. She has to be willing to express the issue, not just the person involved! I also don't punish her for her infrequent whispered exclamations that are less than ladylike,...she's heard me and her father let them go in times of frustration....let's be honest a well chosen cuss word is sometimes the most effective way to let out some anger and show the world to back off a little....but we don't say them TO another person... just ABOUT an issue... actually, I almost applaud when I hear Kate say, "shit!" under her breath when she spills something......much better than a loud temper tantrum or screaming at me!!!! ;-)

Anyway, good luck. I think you're on the right track. You're aware and you care.

MK mom to 15 yr old delightful Kate!

p.s. I was sure the problem was poor parenting! Don't put yourself through that!