In the interest of having a somewhat sane and enjoyable holiday season, we offer these
suggestions:
Planning the
Holidays!
When making decisions about where you'll be spending the holidays remember that a visit to a
new place may create stress not just for a child with special needs, but also
for you. If the place you are considering has caring individuals...those who
will pamper you a bit… and if your family is comfortable in the place and with
the people, then a visit may be just the right thing. But
if the visit creates unnecessary stress, rethink your plan. It's
okay!
If doing an entirely new activity (flying in a
plane, going to a concert, etc.) give your child all the prep time and advance
information you can. Take them to see the airplanes at the airport or the seats
in an auditorium (DON'T forget to tell them
that when their brother comes on stage to play his trombone, you don't stand in
your chair and holler, "Go, David!" which is very appropriate on a
soccer field, but not quite the thing at band concerts!)
Review the event and remind your family of your behavior expectations before you get to an
event, even if it is not a new one. A year is a long time for
a child, they forget all the specifics. Give
the directions for behaviors in a positive way. ("You may have three
cookies." "You may clap at the end of the concert."
) Also warn them about who will be there, how
long they will be staying, etc.
Watch for time saving ideas. However, make
sure the idea actually saves you time. I love cookie swaps (each person bakes
several dozens of one type of goodie to exchange with others - make up trays at
the swap, put them in the freezer and it looks like you did all sorts of
baking. Much faster to make 10 dozen of one recipe than a
single recipe of 10 things.) But for some who
have a great bakery they prefer, this isn't an issue.
When making plans, make sure a tradition hasn't outlived its usefulness or fun. If you decide to
change a tradition or eliminate it, make sure everyone knows that beforehand.
Explain to them your reasoning, too. Don't forget to
tell them the other fun things that the saved time, energy, resources will
allow by changing the tradition.
THINK! Why are you doing what you are
doing? Does the activity fill the need? If not, then perhaps the activity needs
adjusting. If going to Grandma's has been something you usually do, but it is
hard on everyone (especially Grandma or her flavorful grandchild!), then
examine why you are going. If the reason for going is to show Grandma how much
you value her, then perhaps going at another, less stressful, demanding (big
holiday meal) time would be more welcome. Or perhaps
she could come to your home, or perhaps instead of spending the night, you only
plan to be there for awhile in the day, or just for breakfast or take her to a
child's performance instead of the long visit, etc.
Before you promise to be or do something,
give it some thought; talk to your family about it. Be aware that sometimes
when we are planning ahead we get caught up in the moment and think or promise
to do something that sounded like a great idea at the time but after more
careful thought may have been a little out of line. Remember: The ONLY time you
HAVE to be somewhere is at your own funeral and Christmas is definitely NOT
that!
Honor who you are. It's okay if you
don't attend every family function, every party, every concert. Those things are intended to be enjoyable…so only do the ones that will
be truly enjoyable! Don't feel guilty for being a
family with special needs. Know that the extra preparation and stress of an
event may be much greater for parents having a child with exceptional needs.
Forgo those events where you know you're all out of
your realm. You might take a tip and do an "elfing"
instead. (Sort of like sending warm regrets) See more about "elfing" under "Fun things to do".
Planning a party?
Invite those families who also have children with a little extra
"flavor" (special needs type). Much less stressful!
You ALL know why!
Decorating the tree
and the house and the yard and the door and the bathroom and the…
Remember what
may look festive to you, may look completely overwhelming to someone with sensory
integration problems. Find the happy medium. A calm child is worth not having
the candy canes hung off the ceiling ;-)
Remember that all the extra decorations,
food, music, smells (candles), etc. may have you or your child exhibiting more
tics or stims than normal. They are often a clear
indicator that life is a bit much more than they can handle. Before meltdown
occurs, try adjusting the decor, treats, etc. Fine-tune what you can all best
handle. Don't be tempted just to do it all or nothing.
Instead, adjust your participation or environment more as you would a volume
control….a little louder hear but less there, a little more base here, less
treble there…
YUM YUM !!!!!!!!!!!
Eat before you go to a party so you won't be as tempted to over eat the wrong things. It's also a good plan because if there are only foods at the
party that your child may (or will) not eat, then you don't have a hungry
child….with the possibility of a meltdown on the way!
It's tempting to eat all that stuff that's served during the
holidays, but try to stay with normal diet as much as possible. Eat your
regular food first, then snack on the extras. Your
meds may be in sync with your regualr
diet and out of sync with the changes in diet.
Take care of yourself, too !
If something is critical to only one person see if it's critical enough to them to do it
themselves! (Especially if you hate doing the thing
someone else deems essential, like deep frying a turkey, etc.) Doesn't apply for things our kiddos want. This
time of year what's critical to them usually seems
critical to us, too. I remember having my husband (and his employees and
friends) drive all over several towns looking for some sort of dump truck that
a 4-year-old wanted for Christmas. Now that's critical to everyone!!! Gee, I miss those years … Come to
think of it, sometimes I do things for others that I don't care much
about myself. (Amazing how strong a motivator love for another person can be!)
Just be sure you're not over-stretching yourself this
time of year. (I know, easier said than done)
Get extra sleep before the holidays and
catch naps as often during the holidays as possible. A rested person is
considerably more efficient, not to mention more pleasant to be around! (Again, easier said than done, but you'll be surprised how many other people will join you in a
nap, and not feel guilty since you're sleeping, too!)
Dinner time!!!
If you're having a
large family meal (sit down, china, etc.) allow your children to snack ahead of
time. They'll probably be more capable of eating
calmly and with better control. Give them the option of being who they are.
Look at the bigger picture…not finishing everything on their plate (at least
they took a bite of a new food) J
Allow them to be excused
when they are finished, rather than sit and wait for everyone else to finish,
even the cook…who has been jumping up and down instead of eating. Let the host
or hostess know ahead of time. Cue your child to thank
them for the meal and request to be excused. (Suggest
your child tell one food they really liked…it lets the hostess
- who's also usually the cook, know that their meal was enjoyed! - go over that
too beforehand, with your child.) Obviously honor who
your child is, if all that is too much, just a sign of rubbing tummy (good meal)
and a smile will work J
If they are trying to remain at the table,
but are restless and need a brief time to be excused,
let them do that. You might suggest they might like to help clear dishes, fill
cups, get extra napkins, check on the rolls in the oven, etc. (whatever your
child can manage safely, even a small child can usually serve rolls). Sometimes
our kids just need to be busy. This lets the relatives focus on the positive
traits of your child and not on the fact that, "He didn't finish what was
on his plate!"
Fun things to do!!!
One of the DANISH members mentioned
something her son enjoys doing…ELFING! He likes to put a little present together
(food, card, etc.) then go around and leave them on the doorsteps of those whom
he loves or enjoys. Perfect for a child who doesn't
like personal contact but loves to show he cares. I think it's
a wonderful idea!
He signs his cards, but that would
decision is left to the individual elf to make J
Cookie swaps!
Doing a play
together. We read the
script from "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever". Don't
try to dress up and everyone has a part. No rehearsal needed just an evening…….and some pizza!
Don't forget !!!
Before things get crazy, make sure that you
have medications to last through the holidays. Doctor's offices may close, the
mail will be slower and it is nearly Impossible to get
a script filled on Christmas Day!
If travelling, take an extra stash of meds
with you, just in case the car breaks down, or there's a snow storm, or the
airline loses your bags, or you need to tell a doctor in another town exactly
what your child is taking or…
When visiting in a new
place (or even an old one) identify a safe place where your child or you
may go to take a break from the crowd (which may only be 2 people!) Ask your hostess about a good spot, tell her why and when it might be
needed, before you show it your child.
What goes up, must
come down. (Decorating is more fun, than un-decorating!)
Remember you are setting an example. If you're relaxed, your children will also be more relaxed. You're also teaching them about their own roles when they
are the adult "in charge". Keep focused on the reason for the
holidays. If you do that, the entire time will feel less stressed and more
joyful.
Remember, you're
not really in control, you just think you are! Sit back and let others take the
lead whenever possible.
The members of DANISH wish you all a joyous
holiday season.
DANISH (Dallas Asperger
Network for Information, Support and Help) is an online support group but also
has monthly program meetings in
Visit DANISH in person or on the web at www.aspergerinfo.org
Return to homepage www.mkdowney.com